grimoire navigation.

chaos and inclarity

i recently stopped using a bullet journal after using the method for 8 years to attempt to manage an increasingly difficult set of responsibilities.

the purpose of a bullet journal is mental clarity, but it has been corrupted by many into a task list. a productivity supercharger. it doesn’t have to be this, but it was for me. a place to simplify and homogenize and compartmentalize the limitless and infinite.

was I ever broken for finding this task unnatural and impossible? was this ever my fault?

i think that it has a noble aim of attempting to simplify life. the minimalist’s approach to life. but i realised with my sudden spiritual crisis that i want to live life maximally. i want to seize life with both hands and catch the universe squirming in my palms. it doesn’t belong fully in my grip but i will damn well try anyway.

i am not saying fuck being organised. i’m saying fuck over planning. fuck not existing. fuck not doing exactly what I want because i’m frightened of judgement or reproach.

bullet journalling is not the enemy but in my hands it left me an automaton.

it did not hold the cure for selfishness, mental instability and profound depression.

it is probably helpful for the well-adjusted, but a band-aid for overcompliant, overcommitted, brainweird people that does not actually help in making decision, but juggling and quantifying an increasingly overfull and chaotic life. the purpose of life becomes to log and track, a one-person surveillance state.

we will not be shaped for the tool. we will shape tools to our own purposes.

we will find pleasure in freedom and deliverance from bootlicking.

we must work gentle. we must slow down. we will let go of our fears of loss.