grimoire navigation.
obsession
i believe my spiritual practice to be a devil’s pact with a condition that very often defines my existence: obsessive compulsive disorder. my spirituality is not itself a symptom of OCD, but it is basically intentioned methadone for my actually destructive rituals and compulsions.
obedience
i don’t think OCD is cowardice, if anything it is the opposite. it is like you are Atlas carrying the world and nobody has any idea, and of course you’re not really, but you still have the aching muscles and literally world-weary exhaustion.
but one thing that occurred to me extremely early into my spiritual explorations, on a walking meditation, was that obedience stems from fear and self-preservation. this is far more reason for me to work on my OCD than any other reason i have found. if i am exhausted and perpetually on guard against imagined dangers and my own thoughts, i am easier to control (in the unfun way).