grimoire navigation.

1. home.
2. kink & religion.
3. obsession.
4. chaos and inclarity.

the spiritual/sexual

the spiritual and sexual are intertwined for me. of course there is the common chaos magic trope of using orgasms to power sigils and incantations. of course, i enjoy that stuff as much as anyone.

but more than that, i feel that my spirituality is an act of submission to deities of my own making. it’s very empowering in this sense, because i get to submit to forces that i accept from a place of control.

the false doll and the true doll

my dollification fetish is partly responsible for my expression of spirituality and personal mythology. i see myself as a doll who has been fashioned for demonic forces akin to a creepy possessed doll in a horror movie. it’s an identification with the monstrous and scary and a desire to treat myself with greater compassion. maybe that doll is resentful of being nothing like the commodified, perpetually smiling dolls in boxes on the shelf. (“i’m not like other dolls!” it cries.)

in a sense there is a tension between the true doll and the false doll. the false doll is that which pleases others and kills the true doll. the true doll does stuff regardless of whether it pleases others. the true doll is alive even in ways that are scary (bugs crawling out of the eyes et cetera).

this is also why satanic self-worship often comes in the form of literal masturbation.

spiritual masochism

i previously spent a lot of time doing types of mental masochism that hurt me genuinely and fucked with my sense of self. essentially extremely deep trances involving ego death. a pure act of mental self harm. it was no fault of the guides i was following, i just have genuine problems with my identity and should probably not have touched the stuff.

but i don’t regret it because i would never have discovered my own dollhood without it.

dollhood is not an erasure of identity, it is an identity category all of its own. dolls are infinitely individual in expression and way of being. there are fashion dolls and ball jointed dolls, of course, but there are also mannequins, action figures, blank slate characters you make in video games, puppets, ventriloquist dummies, ragdolls, collectable figurines. you can melt a doll down and mold it into another doll (use a game character’s textures on another character). dollhood is an embrace of personal aesthetics over the beauty standards, value judgments or expectations of others. sometimes dolls will modify and reshape themselves and that’s just fine. of course, dollhood can be a metaphor for being transgender, or a salve for genital dysphoria.

but i think that dollhood is also about being able to take on that quality of shallowness, of being an empty vessel, and that is where the spiritual masochism comes in.