serpentine malign

selfship corner

i like selfshipping with my fictional crushes! so here's a space to gush about them. usually i use my self-insert oc mat finish as a conduit for all my worst desires.

i enjoy dark selfship content, full of masochism, corruption and bad ends. also a lot of the Author's Completely Unconcealed Fetish. sometimes it's because the character is canonically a piece of shit, and so dark fantasies add some gritty 'realism' (in my opinion) that makes fantasising about them sexier and more visceral. sometimes i like to villainise morally neutral and 'good' characters and treat their ethically dicey actions in the absolute worst faith just to make them more fucked up as an imagined sexual partner.

in short: i love villainfucking, and i will always make characters worse where some may woobify or redeem. no judgments on any such practice here - they all exemplify the wonderful freedom of being able to transfer fictional characters into our mental wank banks, and project what we most desire upon their outline. it is a remarkably vulnerable and honest practice and my life is better for it.

previously i had thought i didn't do selfship until i was well into adulthood, but i think really it's that i didn't do selfship unashamedly. in my early teens i totally had self-insert characters; i just didn't know that's what they were, and fan culture at the time frowned upon selfshipping, mary sues, etc, even more than it does now.

i don't care if we share f/os - in fact i'd love to talk to you about them!

fictional others & character crushes

fictional others are characters that i regularly fantasise about, and are near and dear to my heart. almost all of them have done some kind of mind control or brainwashing. i am very predictable. <3

character crushes are just...less intense. they don't factor into my greatest flights of fancy (usually! there are always exceptions), but i think about them more than enough to deserve a place here.

this is currently the longest page on the site, so i have provided links to jump around the page. you can visit an f/o or crush's section by clicking a name below, or you can click to jump straight to the bottom if you'd like to see my 'inevitable' crushes - ones i know will hit eventually, when i get around to them.

jump to an f/o (requires javascript enabled):

or jump to a character crush!

    hugo strange, dc/batman

    what can i say? i run a shrine page for him. and these are all the fantasies i have about him that i am willing, at this moment, to share. i'm normal.

    otto mentallis, psychonauts

    where hugo strange fills in for all my fucked up mad science fantasies, otto's mad science is a little softer. ethically fucky in some gnarly ways, but better-intentioned. he would cut you open but would ask your permission first, and would actually attempt to keep you alive afterwards.

    hypnosis and mind control existed in the psychonauts canon before otto, but otto is the first character to specialise in it, though (besides the astralathe, his brainwashing machine that makes up the central plot device!) we only got a few hints of it in the game. it does make him an extremely sexy grandpa i would love to sleep for, and with. he is 100% just bait for me and my fetishes and he has a cozy cuddly aesthetic that makes him so nice for wholesome hypno. would fall asleep with my head on his lap, yes please.

    but, i mean... you know me by now. i do like to interpret his deeper motives less charitably. in my expansion of the psychonauts universe, otto made a lot of fucked up deals to keep the psychonauts alive and financially viable in the ashes left by maligula. selling psitanium to organised crime syndicates, servicing corrupt governments and environmentally disastrous initiatives... and he shut off his guilt about it all with the astralathe. he was the only one who had the mental fortitude to do it after the battle for grulovia. this makes him like, triply sexy for me, because there's just so much you can do with a man whose evil is so banal, so mundane, because he can be so lovely to you while he indirectly oversees death.

    there's so much fun creative fantasy porn you can do with the psychic abilities in psychonauts and i think a lot about that, too. :')

    rusty venture & brock samson, the venture bros.

    these two are a package deal so i'm going to write about them together! i think they are much sexier together and i like the idea of being in a sandwich between them.

    i am possibly the only person in this fandom who would ever bottom for rusty? rusty is pathetic, but he is aesthetically attractive (this includes his horrible fashion sense), and his licentious and malicious streaks are extremely attractive to me, as is his cynicism at the world in which he lives. he has truly seen it all and he is so jaded and it's hot to have someone so knowing and blase about it all. as a great fan of making characters worse, it does make me sad that he never actually got to be a supervillain. i understand why he couldn't be (he's both already kind of a villain protagonist, and he's too depressed to seize his destiny with such force), but it would have been hot and i think it probably would have functioned as, uh, some kind of therapy for him. also we could talk about progressive rock and i would let him mansplain and shove rush records at me even though we all know the best classic prog band is gentle giant.

    brock is needed to balance rusty out, both in the show and in my imagined scenarios! he is the other end of my type, as a physically imposing and unstoppable killer but with a kind and protective streak behind the seeming emotional constipation. i feel like im owed a few traditionally masculine guys who can sweep me off my feet and treat me nice, and brock feels like such a nice choice because his own identity and place in the world (particularly his role in the battles of others) is such a struggle for him throughout the show. he can have both and it never underwrites his strength, if anything it's him coming into his own and finding inner strength beyond sheer force. he's a complexly written action man with lots of guilt and moral ambiguity and I would love to beg him to treat me rougher than he thinks i can handle.

    their world weariness is an attractive trait to me because it connotes maturity and resilience and being unwilling to deal with genre bullshit. both of them are survivors in their own way even though they have these cracks in their respective armour (well, rusty has a lot of cracks.)

    mat was originally an oc for venture bros, and was the protege of herr trigger, the guy who likes to fuck his guns. my personal fantasy is that mat comes to the venture compound/penthouse to avenge their mentor, but winds up becoming attached to the men they're supposed to kill because of their horrible daddy issues.

    robert california, the office u.s.

    james spader is quite a snack, isn't he? he's just... so sleazy and sexual in this role. a licentious god of a man answering the cries of a dying series. a recurring theme with these characters is men who think they are hugh hefner (which is already like 50 red flags) but actually their love/sex life is barren and they are pathetic. so, basically this guy and prey!hugo.

    i originally put robert down as a crush, but every time i watch this series i feel more carnal about him. despite that he's a little too big for the show he's in (in more ways than one ;)), he's also someone i could feasibly imagine meeting in real life and wanting to fuck so badly it made me look stupid.

    also, his house is my dream house.

    charles foster offdensen, metalocalypse

    charles is where i put all my fantasies about being protected and being able to trust the person caring for me, but with the undertone that i'm going to be a little bit exploited too. he works so well for that. sometimes mat is a klokateer, sometimes they're on opposing sides, like mat killing for the tribunal and charles getting them down in one of those filthy dungeons and going to town on them. he's awkwardly fatherly and consistent to a fault but he is also ruthless and driven and that is very sexy of him. i became decreasingly interested in him as he became less edgy and murdery but then he became a priest of an ancient religion and i got right back on the charlesfucking train so I can be his most devoted congregant.

    psycho mantis (& screaming mantis), metal gear solid

    another mind controlling psychic. but this time he's got a military, bdsm club in a 90s movie kind of feeling. we love that!!!

    things i am very normal about: his mind control powers are apparently just an aura that surrounds him. resisting his mental control hurts. he is so excited to share his capabilities with the world, with his victims. it is seemingly his only pleasure to hurt and torture others with his manipulations because the rest of his life is pain. the fact he gives off such sex-repulsed but kinky vibes. I wouldn't want to fuck him, really, because it feels wrong, but I would let him fuck my mind and that would be enough for both of us.

    also let's talk about screaming mantis, who is I guess really an extension of the original, though that actually kind of disappointed me. it's like you have two cakes but the centre of the second cake is just the burnt edges of the first cake, mashed into a filling. i am obviously in deep deep love with her too, because how can I not be with a design so blatantly horny. but it's kind of weird because i feel like she was so badly set up and all I wish is she was in a better story! (i wish the whole batb squad were in a better story.)

    majima goro, ryu ga gotoku/yakuza/like a dragon

    majima has kind of a weird place in this list... i love him as a character, i am obsessed with his depths, and he is SO fun to whump and torture. but i don't know if he's an f/o because i don't know if i relate to him/project on him more than i want to fuck him. i love shipping him with lots of horrible men (i need to include a ship page here! it's coming soon!) so maybe he is more of a projection target than an f/o? idk. either way, my feelings for him are close and intimate. i like his ragged determination and the fact he does in fact have standards and morals despite being ostensibly an amoral wildcard. but maybe it's that he's actually a pretty good person (by the standards of, you know, the yakuza) that makes me less inclined to fucking him myself. who knows!

    pegasus j. crawford, yu-gi-oh! duel monsters

    pegasus has so many fun aspects to him. he can read people's minds, steal their souls (which in ygo terms just makes them mindless puppets... oh dear.), his aesthetics and backstory are off the wall. he's playful in his villainy. i like that the entirety of the franchise from duel monsters onward is his fault. i think this man is into every kink (every kink that comes up in cartoons, anyway). i love and feel faintly empowered by his shamelessness.

    evelyn deavor, the incredibles

    evelyn is nothing but lost potential and it makes me absolutely furious. she is a hot queercoded villain who, to me, could have been an amazing lex luthor type but ended up being just. underwhelmingly basic and infantile in her motivations. maybe that is luthor, i don't know. i am way too hyperfocused on batman to worry too much about superman canon right now (i know lex will eventually be there to claim me when i'm ready, i'm just not ready for that yet).

    in my own reading of evelyn, she has some crunchier motivations, psychodrama around her affluence. she's averse to supers because she hates that they make her social power meaningless. she simply cannot abide that the world is dangerous and she can hoard all the wealth she wants, but she's still going to fucking die and horrible things could still happen to her every day. she simply could not have been the villain she needed to be in a disney movie.

    anyway. she's a hot sugar mommy, her entire plan is based around mind control, she's sophisticated and nocturnal, she has some INCREDIBLE (hah) outfits including a very kinky pilot outfit. of course she's here.

    monstroso & molotov cocktease, the venture bros

    my other fucky venture bros pairing that i would love to be sandwiched between. this is more of a pure lust thing because they fit my types so well. i love big buff dudes who are smart and malevolent. i love women assassins in skintight suits.

    gushes about my crushes

    gustavo fring, breaking bad

    giancarlo esposito is SUCH a huge crush for me, and the boxcutter scene was a formative scene. he solidified my love of calculating, cold bastards with a cool and polite facade, and a burning heart driving their actions beneath the surface. i have somehow never finished better call saul, so i have new content to check out someday that could probably bump him up to a higher position on this list.

    sera masaru (and watase masaru), ryu ga gotoku/yakuza/like a dragon

    where i have no idea what majima is to me, i have no such qualms with sera or watase. sera is sooo gorgeous and his vibe is so elegant and. fatherly? i wish he had more screentime, but basically i just think it is sexy that he was part of the section of the yakuza that does the jobs that no one else wants to do.

    watase is here because the two of them are intentional parallels. i like that watase is flashier, a little more complicated. there was more time to give him that. but also, i think i like the mystery of sera more.

    victor zsasz, dc gothamverse

    anthony carrigan is gorgeous, he brainwashes a dude through a couple weeks in his torture basement, he is consistently styling and hilarious, he's just lovely. i don't know much about the comic victor, but i love him here because i love assassins with weird quirks!

    fish mooney, gotham

    i'm not meaning to be so one-track minded, because fish also gets mind control powers (tactile mind control!!!!). but she is just incredible. authoritative, terrifying, deadly. the best style in an entire show of good style (at least, for my tastes, which are just 'goth club in the late 2000s'). past season one, she was done so dirty and i will forever mourn what we could have had.

    team fortress 2 blorbos

    i basically want to fuck all of the defence and support classes (medic and sniper are my faves!). in terms of attractiveness, i love the offence classes as characters, but i don't care much for them sexually.

    i like it when people write really fucked up fics about the tf2 men, especially medic and engineer who i think lend themselves so well to darkfic. something about these 9 guys makes everyone unhinged. is it the giant hands? the goofy, gory slapstick? either way, i have been trapped in this hell for over a decade. returning to them is inevitable.

    the administrator is also gorgeous, ellen mcclain's voice is divine, i would do anything for her. mwah.

    art the clown, terrifier

    i'm weird with slashers. i can appreciate a good knife-cock like anyone, but if they're too physical, they bore me. art is different. art is vitriolic, and plays sick psychological games with his victims without ever speaking a word. he truly makes an art of killing. he's done stuff i have just never seen on film before. he is also a mime/clown hybrid, which is fantastic, and obviously the best subset of clown.

    rire, boyfriend to death

    this was inevitable. i'm surprised that i have so few supernatural characters who aren't just like, metahumans i guess? but i'm honestly just not that much of a monsterfucker! but a demon with tentacles, mind control powers and nothing but horrible intentions for you? the way that even (spoilers!!! the game has been out for years i guess) his good end is a bad end, but it's a bad end that i would love to experience for real. he speaks to my libido very well. it was wonderful to first download the game, see the content warning for rire on the game homepage, and immediately go 'okay well i don't even need to play the rest of the game, i have everything i need right here'.

    hannibal lecter, various

    hannibal is hot! this is not controversial. anthony hopkins hannibal is hot, mads mikkelsen hannibal is hot. i don't know if you could tell, but i love evil doctors and psychiatrists. i love sophisticated bastards. the combination of acts so carnal with such clinical, cerebral professions is just. chefs kiss. it's the factor of having someone you cannot ever trust in charge of your life or death.

    nbc hannibal was so formative, man! i think so fondly on what he did. especially to miriam, will, and abigail. ugh.

    algernop krieger, archer

    krieger is a horrible man with questionable interests. he's handsome, silly, and would be up for ANYTHING.

    dennis reynolds, it's always sunny in philadelphia

    oh, daddy! ooh, daddy!

    he's despicable and not a murderer but has murderer vibes and that's... better, somehow. he is deeply troubling. i would probably be half a star in his video collection.

    noho hank, barry

    this is another character where actually, i don't know if i want to fuck them or i simply relate to them. hank is... nice, a canonical 'wholesome queer', despite also being the murderous boss of the los angeles chechen mob. he's hilarious, but he can fit so much trauma too. surprisingly nuanced.

    simping after javier bardem corner

    two movies haunt me: no country for old men and skyfall.

    anton chigurh is one of those characters who would never fuck me, who would never think to fuck me, but i want nothing more. he is like... the grim reaper, symbolically. he is just a guy, but he is also fate, he is the consequences of everyone else's actions. he is tremendously powerful, ruthless, and possibly unkillable. i would like to give him a chaste peck on the cheek before he kills me with his cattle gun.

    raoul silva is a fucked up, traumatised villain, the abandoned pawn of a deplorable institution. he is queer-coded, he gets to go in the gay tupperware, he's a hacker man. i like him a lot and wish he and bond had actually fucked.

    simping after paul dano corner

    i have only seen two paul dano movies and they both changed me irreversibly.

    eli sunday from there will be blood is just. so much. he is so fucked up. he is so theatrical. he commands a powerful presence but he is also pathetic. i love it. i would get on my knees for him rather than god.

    edward nashton from the batman 2022 is a riddler that many people dislike because he is not silly enough, while i, being extremely edgy, love him for that reason. however, i have no interest in him with the mask off. what i like is his cultivated persona as the riddler, the bdsm vibes of his entire costume (especially that fucking mask), the RIDICULOUS amount of duct tape. a real diy rogue aesthetic. the ways that he humiliates and degrades his victims is just so good man.

    billy butcher, the boys (tv)

    the boys is kind of weird because it has all the themes i like, but i don't really f/o anyone. but billy comes close because he fits so many of my types and only seems to be getting worse. he was hot before v24 for being manipulative and mean and weirdly paternal but in a fucked up way, and he's hot after for the fact he has superman powers but without being an archetype of superman. that's pretty neat. if he is soon to be an out and out antagonist, i will be pleased with that outcome, and i'm excited to see what comes next.

    captain spaulding, firefly trilogy

    spaulding is just like... a nasty fucking clown man. like with reevesverse riddler, i prefer him when he is playing his theatrical clown persona versus when he is being a depressed old man in longjohns. there's something really ugly about seeing under the mask, you know? there was something that hit good about that final moment in house of 1000 corpses where he drags denise back to meet her end. he's surprisingly charming despite being also gross in personality, and that final betrayal hit hard and made him ten times hotter.

    with spaulding and art both here, you can guess that i really enjoy clowns with guns, as an aesthetic. you'd think the joker would be here on this list too, but i guess i'm just pretty specific with my tastes. some characters (like majima, really, even though he did make the list) become background noise to me because they are so popular. nothing wrong with those characters or the people who love them, i just love to make things difficult for myself lol!

    carmine falcone, dc/the batman 2022

    i only really considered falcone after watching the batman 2022. i had never wanted to fuck a john turturro character until that moment. well done to him and reeves for unlocking that part of my sexuality i guess.

    i love mundane and plainclothes villains in superhero comics, and he's usually handsome and charming and scary. he's this low down because i haven't experienced that much source material - i'd like to read more of him :)

    colin 'ConneR' neumann jr., cytus ii

    consider the most annoying reddit user you can imagine, but he gets whumped a bunch. that's ConneR. he is a pretentious, pompous professor who likes going on power trips and flirting with his students. that's his whole deal. i like him a lot.

    laszlo cravensworth, what we do in the shadows

    i'd let him give me the brain scramblies.

    guillermo de la cruz, what we do in the shadows

    i am transfixed by how beautifully and strikingly he kills vampires, and i also enjoy when he embraces his darker, more manipulative side. (beyond, you know, the default of luring random humans to die in the vampire house.) i'm a little underwhelmed by his development in more recent seasons, but he is just so fun as a concept.

    gob bluth, arrested development

    i can't decide if gob is pure aesthetic attraction (will arnett is cute and has quite a voice, and i'm glad i don't have to attach it solely to bojack horseman) or because he is just enough of a horrible and sleazy man, despite also being SUCH a fool, that i would fuck him. i am afraid it's the latter.

    i suppose i need at least one stage magician to picture when reading countless stories of erotic stage hypnosis. even an incompetent one will do.

    mr. blonde, reservoir dogs

    everyone into violent male homoeroticism has to have one reservoir dogs blorbo. mine is, unfortunately, blonde.

    kakihara masao, ichi the killer

    i've only ever watched the movie, but this AESTHETIC. man. he is just... so much. a horrible horrible man and an extreme sadomasochist. i FELT for him, that his quest to experience the ultimate torture was so rooted in yearning and grief.

    saints row villains i would bang

    • killbane
    • phillipe loren
    • zinyak

    no further questions.

    señor senior, senior, kim possible

    i mean, obviously i could have put shego here, but it's sort of like the joker. who doesn't want to fuck shego? that's not interesting. that doesn't tell you anything about me.

    this is one of those crushes that could only ever have made sense when i grew up and rewatched the series. he is like... a good father who tries his best while he is also a silly bond villain. two character traits i like a lot. he aesthetically fits in with the aforementioned 'sophisticated bachelor who is tragically too cringefail to fuck' archetype, but obviously he is from kids media so he's not going to be fucking in canon. but i can imagine!

    moneybags, spyro: reignited

    who else could i have picked in the children's dragon platformer than a universally reviled character that they managed to make sexy in the remaster (but only because everyone is sexy in the remaster, really). i had absolutely no interest in moneybags growing up, except as a source of pain and hatred, but of COURSE i'd fuck this one. look at him.

    inevitabilities

    characters who i know in my heart of hearts will come for me eventually, i just haven't experienced enough of their source material yet or thought about them hard enough. i need to be ready to be taken by the heart and cunt.